ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
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some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
#milo
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”