Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
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WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Sponch
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.