Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
finally
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
The Weeknd is back