Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
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Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.