Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
You Might Also Like
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
*limbos under the caution tape
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.