Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.