Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Whoa 😂
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!