I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works