[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
marvel comics have peaked
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?