I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
you will never know the true number of layers
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
won’t smith
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*sewing*
A thread
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no