Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
next level snooze
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”