Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.