*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
An odd boast
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Breaking news:
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.