[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Cool shirt 🙂
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
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Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.