Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
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Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.