what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
You Might Also Like
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
the official breakfast of 2021
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you