GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
You Might Also Like
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.