1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.