My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.