Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
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[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.