interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Not all heroes wear capes…
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Natty or not?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk