On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
You Might Also Like
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
When your best mate counts as a desk too
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day