this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
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in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Blew out my flip flop…
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore