Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Ken is short for chicken