ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
😬
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what