“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Monday Lisa
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh