Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
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wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
reduce, reuse, recycle
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
a lot to unpack here
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.