”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅