Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I’m aging like a fine banana
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
(True)
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer