Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so