My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
You Might Also Like
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Perfection.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
An odd boast
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
new year update: losing everything but weight
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
this has to be peak English