So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
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I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
dutch is not a serious language
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.