Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
yeet
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.