What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Netflix and scream at our children?!
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés