My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck