every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Lmao the reply
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.