Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys