WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?