You Might Also Like
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
lmfao come on