where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You Might Also Like
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”