I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.