Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
pelicons
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶