Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?