What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
girls literally only want one thing..
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS