Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.