“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”