I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
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Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
October already? What’s next? November????
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
who wore it better?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”