Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
plant them where lol
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.