someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
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getting old is fun
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?