Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again